Danny Dyer is the guvnor in.....

"I'm a Celebrity let me out of 'ere, guvnor!"

Episode 1 – Welcome to The Firm

London - where British cockneys are made

In London’s Whitehall, British cockney celebrity Danny Dyer is taken by secret agents to meet with top government official, Sir Anthony Menace…..

“So you see Danny, we need to show the 'Jeremy Clarkson' demographic– Reactionary, Ill-informed, Middle-aged Men, or RIMMERS – that the coalition government really is tough on crime”


The government wants to be this tough on crime

 “I ‘ear ya Tony. You don’t want Jezzer givin’ it the big ‘un on Top Gear that the Tories ‘ave lost the plot….but wot’s that gotta do wiv me?”

“Well Danny, as we all know, the best way to convince the British public that one is serious about law and order is through gimmicks and sound-bites, all the better if they are delivered with a celebrity on-board….”

“Well I ain’t no gimmick geezer, know wot I mean? I’m a serious ‘ard man straight from the manor”

"Oi! Get me a steak slice and a latte now you muppet!"

“Precisely. Which is exactly why we’ve contacted you to help us with our situation. Our gimmick men have already come up with the…erm, gimmicks. What we need now is somebody to deliver them, somebody with a no nonsense approach to life, a cockney from the East End whose parents probably knew the Krays. Somebody like you Danny”

“I dunno Tony, I’ve never done shit like this - I’m an actor mate, not a screw. Ain’t you got no-one else in the line up. What about Jason Statham?”

“No Danny, he lives in LA, and anyway, he’s from Derbyshire. We want an authentic cockney, a real macho man who has met Britain’s deadliest men, and can teach these spoilt celebrities a thing or two”

Jason Statham: A professional cockney impersonator

“I see what you’re saying…..but wots in it for me? I can’t go back to the missus sayin’ I’m workin’ as a screw can I? She’ll go chicken oriental!”

“Not a screw Danny, the governor. And not just any old governor. You will be the governor of the world’s very first mixed sex celebrity prison. It’s a ground-breaking project, Danny, the making of history. There could even be a knighthood in it for you”

“You’re avin’ a bubble int ya? Danny Dyer, proper east end boy a knight of the realm? Me Mum'll be so proud”

“Well quite - Sir Danny Dyer does have a certain ring to it. And you’ll be able to sit with Mick Jagger at state functions”

Sir Mick likes to rock out at state functions

“Sir Mick! That’s a right touch!”

“Indeed. And of course the financial rewards will be quite considerable”

“Oh yeah? Wots your idea of considerable? This ain’t some Pinter play, I wanna be earnin’ a proper pound note”

“Well let’s just say your salary will make Ross Kemp’s work on gangs look like a minimum wage job in a Ginsters pasty factory”

Ross Kemp is now addicted to gangs

“Epic mate, epic. I ‘eard Kempy got paid stupid money! Alright bruv, you can count me in. But I want the moolar in used notes, planted at a safety deposit box by your top boys. I don’t want no heat from this”

“No, no Danny, this isn’t “Britain’s Deadliest Men”. You will give my PA your bank sort code and account number on the way out. And national insurance number. Salaries are paid on the last working day of each month”

“No worries pal. Or should I say PayPal”

“Excellent cockney wit, very droll. Well that’s about it from me Danny. Unless you have any questions?”

“Wot’s the start date Tony?”

“This coming Tuesday. We’ll be arresting the celebrity inmates over the weekend, give them a chance to bed down at the prison before they meet their new governor”

The celebrity guvnor.....

“Top banana. I’ve got to say, when I got bundled into that limo by the men in black I thought I was brown bread. Turns out you spooks are alright.”

“You are too kind Danny. Now, if there are no more questions I think this is what you people in movie circles call ‘a wrap’. We’ll have the driver pick you up from your house at 5am on Tuesday morning. You’ll be bound by the official secrets act until then. The identity of the new governor as well as the inmates is top secret. Not even your wife can know I’m afraid”

.....but who are the inmates?

“Fair play. I like to keep the ladies guessing, includin’ the missus. Talkin’ of the missus, I better chip off. She'll be wondering where I got to. I only popped out to buy a steak slice. So Tony, I’ll see you next Tuesday then. Get it – C U Next Tuesday. It means ‘cunt’!”

“That’s the spirit Danny. And that’s exactly the kind of bold language we will expect from you in the prison”

“Have no fear fella. Danny Dyer only does bold, unless of course you’re talking about the washing powder, in which case I don’t have a fackin’ scooby. Now before I chip off, wots this celebrity nick called then?”

Washing powder? Fack off!

“Now this is the part you’re really going to enjoy Danny. We racked our brains to come up with something that really captures the personalities of the new inmates held at Her Majesty’s pleasure and also highlights your involvement. There was one name that leapt out at us above all else.

Danny, welcome on board to HMP Dyer”

Coming up in Episode 2......

"Fackin' 'ell, you sure you got the right gaff Parker?"

The UK government still use puppets as drivers

.......and much, much more....

I'm a celebrity let me out of 'ere guvnor!

CLASSIFIED - TOP SECRET
DATE:  28th October 2011
TIME:  10:00 GMT
PLACE: London's Whitehall



Stuff the government do is so secret
it is kept in a brown paper folder


Government officials from MI5 and Ministry of Justice held secret meeting yesterday with celebrity TV hard-nut DANNY DYER (full name DANIEL JOHN DYER), who was picked up off the streets of his hometown Loughton, Essex whilst on his way to Greggs to buy a steak slice.The main government lead on this is SIR ANTHONY MENACE. Purpose of meeting was to discuss the plan to open a celebrity prison at secret unspecified  location. DANNY had initial concerns about the loss of prestige associated with working as a 'screw'. However these concerns were addressed when it was explained there was a possibility of a knighthood, and that he would be paid considerably more than Ross Kemp for his work on gangs. It was also explained that the project is top secret until the press have been properly briefed by SIR ANTHONY and his team. The meeting finished when Danny expressed concerns that his partner would go chicken oriental if he didn't get back. DANNY was driven back to his home via Greggs where sadly the steak slices were all sold out.

Danny is partial to a steak slice

$$Dave's Big Gambling Problem$$

Episode 1 - The Big Man Den

One cold, dark evening in 2010 David Cameron made his way back to his new home at No. 10....

"Hello darlings! I'm home! Come and give Daddy a Big Society kiss"

As the children excitedly ran to welcome their Daddy home, Samantha Cameron came out of her office work space.

"Hello darling. How are you? Was it a wretched day again?"

David hugged the children and said irritably:

"Oh it was ok, but looks like we'll need another re-launch of the Big Society. We've done so many now I feel like a fucking astronaut."

"Oh poor darling. Well forget all that, I've got something to cheer you up - I've asked the staff to make your favourite for dinner tonight - crispy chicken dippers"

As the children cheered at this bit of news, David winced and said in a low, sharp voice:

"Jesus Samantha, where did you get the idea that I like chicken dippers? I know I said we're all in it together, but I don't want to actually eat pleb offal for christ's sake"

Samantha Cameron looked hurt, and after telling the children to wait in the play room, retorted:

"OK David - I was only trying to help. I thought it would be a good bit of PR - get the papers to run a little story about our down-to-earth eating habits with a picture of you in some tracksuit bottoms"

David gave his wife another kiss on the cheek and, trying to sound upbeat, said:

"Thanks darling, I really appreciate the thought. I'm just getting a bit tired of being so misunderstood. When will people realise all I am trying to do is mend our broken Britain?"

"I know darling, its so unfair"

"I mean, I keep trying to tell them, we're all in this together. We are though aren't we Sam?"

"Yes we are my little PM. And dear sweet misunderstood Georgie Porgie too"

"And don't forget Clegg the Wedge"

"Clegg the Wedge? You mean Nick? Why are you calling him that? I thought he was known as the Orange Fluffer?"

"Yes, in the Lib-Dem camp. But us Tory lads have started running up behind him and giving him wedgies in the corridor of the House. It's a right old scream. Reminds me of my school days"

"Oh the poor chap, don't pick on him too much will you?"

"Oh don't worry about the Wedge, he can take it, he's a right hard-nosed cunt"

"Oh mercy. Well I better go and tell the kids we won't be trying out the pleb food tonight. They'll be so disappointed. They were really looking forward to it"

"Don't worry Sam, they'll be other times. We can take them to Nandos in the week. I'll get Andy to find us a really squalid one. In Stratford or something"

As Sam walked off to the break the news about dinner to the children, David loosened his tie and headed to his Man-Den, a space the Cameron's had agreed every decent moral family man should have.....

"Thank goodness Samantha understands me. No one else seems to"

As he booted up his 'recreation' lap-top, he quickly checked for the latest football scores on his Blackberry.



Every decent family man gets his 'recreation' lap-top blessed before use

"Good stuff. Chelsea up one. I've got too much riding on that game"

David began to scribble down numbers on the luxury leather writing pad he kept next to his 'recreation' lap-top....

"Now lets check the odds for tomorrow. 3.15 at Cheltenham, some good form, 2pm at Newmarket. Then there's the Romford dogs in the evening. Oh bugger this, I can't wait that long, what's the time in Melbourne now? I could place a quick harmless 5K on a race down under couldn't I?"

As the lap-top booted up, David impatiently tapped his fingers on the desk:

"Come on, come on you little prick"

"David, are you alright in there?"

"Fine Sam......absolutely fine... just stubbed my toe"

As he logged onto his betting account, the thrill of gambling took over:

"Ah here we are. Oh bollocks! Looks like I lost on that baseball game yesterday. Oh well carpe diem, let's see whats on offer today. Hurry up, hurry up, yes yes, confirm bank account details. Right, the Australian horses. Here we are, which filly shall I have? "One Trick Pony", 5 to 1. Don't like those odds much, something a little more risky - what about "Dogmatic Ideologue", yes that sounds good, George would love it! And its 100 to 1, much better. OK, confirm, confirm, come on they'll be racing in 2 minutes.....yes, yes fuck the terms and conditions, place, place! Ah, and yes! The bet is placed! Oh the RUSH, the RUSH!"

As Samantha came to fetch David for the daily 'moral values' talk they had with the children over dinner, she overheard her husband's shouting.

"David, what's all the noise for? The children can hear you  - do be quiet and come and join us please "

David had a quick peruse of the latest tips on a betting blog, and called over his shoulder:

"Come on Sam, we agreed remember- Man-Den time. I'll be out in 10"

"I know we agreed Man-Den time David, but I didn't realise it now took priority over dinner time. What the hell are you doing in there? Why is it always the first place you head to when you get home? And why do you always end up swearing uncontrollably or whooping in bouts of mass hysteria whilst you're in there?"

David jotted down a few of the tips on his pad and replied:

"Look Sam, you wouldn't understand, its a man thing"

At this Sam began to lose her temper and started turning the door handle furiously.

"David, you know I fully support your Man-Den time, but if you don't come out this minute I'll get the policeman on the step to break the door down!"

David quickly shut down the betting pages and opened his cover, a live web-cam of a communal allotment society in Brighton. He unlocked the door, and taking Samantha by the hand, led her over to the 'recreation' lap-top. She looked at the screen to see a small group of people chatting amiably whilst attending to a vegetable patch .

"See Sam. Is it so bad for me to take an interest in green issues and the Brighton scene?"

"It is if those fucking drips are more important to you then spending time with your family. And that doesn't explain the whooping and shouting"

"Oh it does Sam. I feel so passionate when the vegetables grow, or sadly perish"

Samantha looked at her husband with mild suspicion, but then conscious of the time....

"OK, well I'm glad you get so much out of the Man-Den, but it really is time for dinner now"

"Thats my girl! Now come on, lets go and give our little tinkers some moral and nutritional sustenance, and hear what they got up to at school today. I bet it will all be jolly good, and everything will all be fine. I really bet it will......."

Join us in Episode 2 when Georgie Porgie, Boris and Andy come over for....

 "The Big Lad's Night In"!

Diary of a MEMMY (Malibu Earth Mommy) - Tex Mex

A Tex Mex.....

Dear Diary

Spent the morning with the accountant going through the tax receipts. Really got to be careful this year. The boys are with Tommy for the week so taking advantage of the peace and quiet to get on top of that shit. When I spoke to Tommy in the evening to see how my babies were doing he said they were fine and that they had just been out for a tex-mex and they had loved it. I asked him to put them on and they said "Mom, it was okay, but it kind of made us feel sick. There was too much food, and the rodeo ride in the restaurant is maybe not such a good idea. Dad looked like a real idiot on it, especially when he threw up". I was so glad to hear them say that- it lifts my spirits that my babies are smart enough to see that the food portions in this country are too large. I am gonna get some smoked haddock in for their return. I won't eat any of course, but it is so good for their growing brains all that omega-3 fish oil. 

Pam Christian Anderson x


...followed by a rodeo ride





At Home with Hugh Hefner!

Once upon a time, in the land of freedom and opportunity, there lived a sweet, rich old man........



Just a sweet rich old man



This guy was a romantic, and had bought a big mock Tudor style mansion to live in......

Anne Boleyn is said to haunt the
 corridors of the Playboy Mansion

..and over the years had added extra wonders to this fairy-tale sex park including an infamous grotto....

The Grotto: where sex-and bacterial disease
-is said to possibly occur.

.... where beautiful young princesses could frolic gaily with rich young (and old) men.....


Like a water park, but with sex 


Let's join Hugh now as Jane, one of the Playboy Mansion staff, brings him his usual breakfast in bed.........


"Morning Jane. Just put the tray down there, thank you. Mind the teeth"

As Hugh, the world's number 1 Playboy and octogenarian pervert tucks into his English muffins, there is a loud banging on the bedroom door and Jane, conscious that Hugh is a bit deaf these days, says loudly:

"Mr Hefner, somebody is knocking at the door"

"Really? That'll be Dolly. We had a row last night so she slept in the billiard room. Let her in Jane"

As Jane opens the door Dolly Medicine, a pretty-yet-dead-behind-the-eyes platinum blonde peeps into the room sheepishly...



Dolly Medicine likes to dress up as her hero Bo Peep

"Can I come in Daddy?" asks Dolly nervously.

Jane flinches at this and quickly exits the room, desperate not to hear anymore, and Dolly coyly makes her way across the room to Hef's extra large king size Playboy bed, which is littered with newspapers, dog biscuits and pieces of blonde hair extensions. After replacing his teeth, Hef says authoritatively:

"Yes you can come in Dolly. But you were very naughty last night so you're not allowed to play with Daddy this morning"


If Dolly had a sense of irony she would have laughed inwardly that no young woman in their right mind would play with Daddy, beside Daddy can't get it up without a load of viagra....but Dolly doesn't know about irony, so instead......


"I know Daddy. But Dolly was very hurt and upset by what you told her"


"Yes well Dolly. Daddy has to be honest with you. And strict. Very strict"


At this Dolly gasped and said desperately:


"So you meant it? I'm no longer your girlfriend number one? And I have 4 months to set up my own reality TV show and then I'm out of here?"


"Yes Dolly. These things have a life-span. Girlfriend number three Karen has gone, and I think its about time you and Brenda did the same. Its not entirely healthy for your mental well-being is it, this set up"


Dolly flinched at this reference to her depression and anxiety but said in a show of defiance:


"There is nothing wrong with me Daddy, no Sir. I am a success in my own right and I just love living in LA....it's just.....I know we'd make great babies together, if only you'd just come with me to see the gynaecologist..."


"No Dolly. We've discussed this a million times before. No babies, no marriage, no big pink and white dress!"


"OK, OK Daddy, no need to be cruel (holding back tears). Well I guess I'll have to tell Brenda she needs to start making her exit strategy as well. Poor Brenda, she'll be so upset, its been her dream to be a Playmate since the day she got here, in 1998. This will kill her"


"Yes well Brenda will have to deal with that. She must have enough money by now to see a decent shrink"


Dolly looked shocked and said:


"Gosh Daddy, you can be so cold!"


Hef ignored Dolly, and switched on the mammoth TV screens attached to the bedroom wall, which he has to make him feel like a powerful comic book newspaper tycoon or something.....



Hef's lair. Like The Bat Cave.

"There is no point dragging these things out Dolly. I should know. Now, you can clear out your clothes from the dressing room when I meet with the editors. Get the staff to prepare one of the Playmate bedrooms for you to stay in"

On hearing these words Dolly could no longer hold back her tears and cried:


"What Heffy? You mean I can't even stay with you in our bedroom anymore?"


Hugh deftly removed a pink bunny shaped cuddly toy from under his boney left buttock-cheek, and handing it to Dolly said:


"It's not our bedroom Dolly, it's mine. And this is my house, and that is my pink bunny, and those clothes you have strewn all over the floor also belong to me. However, just to show you that I'm not a miser and I do care, you can keep the clothes and the bunny as a gift from me and move into one of the Playmate bedrooms for the rest of your stay, if you so wish.


Dolly, unable to control herself anymore, ran from the bedroom crying a fucked up adult-baby.


Hef said outloud:


"Phew, thank christ I didn't tell her about the new girls moving in today. Thats really gonna send her gaga!"


Will Dolly Medicine go gaga? Will Brenda Blessed go gaga? Is Hugh going gaga? And what about Lady Gaga?




Is Lady Gaga as gaga as Holly?




Join us in Part II to find out!


 

Pam Christian Anderson's Lairy Tales: Putting the Lairy into Fairy

My Lairy Tale Castle
Like The Factory, but with less amphetamine use

Once upon a time I wrote a collection of Lairy Tales and other tit bits. I toiled day and night writing these stories in The Castle, a post-modern version of Andy Warhol's Factory, but with less amphetamine use. It wasn't easy - the hedonism at The Castle was a real contrast with my MEMMY lifestyle - but finally I am ready to reveal my work....

This week, you should check out the first episode of  "I'm a celebrity, let me out of here guvnor", a story set in the world's first celebrity prison. It has celebrity inmates, celebrity screws and of course a celebrity guvnor, none other than British bad boy Danny 'Cockney' Dyer, no wot I mean?

A normal healthy relationship

As well as hard-nut geezer Dyer, you can also take a butcher's at "At Home with Hugh Hefner!" possibly the final opportunity to meet 84 year old Hef as a Playboy before he ties the knot to his 24 year old fiancee. I'll be sad to see him hang up his dancing shoes, but there's only so much viagra one man can take.

Apart from Lairy Tales, you can also enjoy my tit bits which are even more fun than my actual tits if you can believe that!

And remember, if none of this appeals, you can always just surf the internet for endless photos of Pippa Middleton's arse and hardcore pornography!

Yours happily ever after,

Pam Christian Anderson x

Diary of a MEMMY - Tommy picks up the boys

Dear Diary

Here's Johnny! I mean, Tommy!

Tommy picked up the boys today to go stay with him for the week. I was busy packing garlic and echinacea tablets for my babies when I heard Tommy's Chevy Impala pull up on the driveway - the engine throttle is almost as loud as the car's sound system. The noise reminded me to pack them ear-plugs in case Tommy insists on taking them to his studio every day - I worry he'll burst their ear drums. Tommy and I had a chat about the awful conditions the killer whales are being kept in at SeaWorld, and Tommy briefly explained his plans for the summer (wild Motley Crue tour) then it was time for them to go. I cannot stand to be seperated from my babies so was distracted as they left and forgot to give Tommy the list of foods and juices I like the boys to eat on a daily basis. When I phoned later in the evening to give him the list over the phone, he said "Don't worry about that babe, I'm on a health kick myself at the moment". This is no comfort - his last health drive involved no whisky before 6pm and fresh fruit in his cocktails.

Pam Christian Anderson x


Tommy's health kick - plenty of fresh fruit in his cocktails