Episode 1 - The Big Man Den
One cold, dark evening in 2010 David Cameron made his way back to his new home at No. 10....
"Hello darlings! I'm home! Come and give Daddy a Big Society kiss"
As the children excitedly ran to welcome their Daddy home, Samantha Cameron came out of her office work space.
"Hello darling. How are you? Was it a wretched day again?"
David hugged the children and said irritably:
"Oh it was ok, but looks like we'll need another re-launch of the Big Society. We've done so many now I feel like a fucking astronaut."
"Oh poor darling. Well forget all that, I've got something to cheer you up - I've asked the staff to make your favourite for dinner tonight - crispy chicken dippers"
As the children cheered at this bit of news, David winced and said in a low, sharp voice:
"Jesus Samantha, where did you get the idea that I like chicken dippers? I know I said we're all in it together, but I don't want to actually eat pleb offal for christ's sake"
Samantha Cameron looked hurt, and after telling the children to wait in the play room, retorted:
"OK David - I was only trying to help. I thought it would be a good bit of PR - get the papers to run a little story about our down-to-earth eating habits with a picture of you in some tracksuit bottoms"
David gave his wife another kiss on the cheek and, trying to sound upbeat, said:
"Thanks darling, I really appreciate the thought. I'm just getting a bit tired of being so misunderstood. When will people realise all I am trying to do is mend our broken Britain?"
"I know darling, its so unfair"
"I mean, I keep trying to tell them, we're all in this together. We are though aren't we Sam?"
"Yes we are my little PM. And dear sweet misunderstood Georgie Porgie too"
"And don't forget Clegg the Wedge"
"Clegg the Wedge? You mean Nick? Why are you calling him that? I thought he was known as the Orange Fluffer?"
"Yes, in the Lib-Dem camp. But us Tory lads have started running up behind him and giving him wedgies in the corridor of the House. It's a right old scream. Reminds me of my school days"
"Oh the poor chap, don't pick on him too much will you?"
"Oh don't worry about the Wedge, he can take it, he's a right hard-nosed cunt"
"Oh mercy. Well I better go and tell the kids we won't be trying out the pleb food tonight. They'll be so disappointed. They were really looking forward to it"
"Don't worry Sam, they'll be other times. We can take them to Nandos in the week. I'll get Andy to find us a really squalid one. In Stratford or something"
As Sam walked off to the break the news about dinner to the children, David loosened his tie and headed to his Man-Den, a space the Cameron's had agreed every decent moral family man should have.....
"Thank goodness Samantha understands me. No one else seems to"
As he booted up his 'recreation' lap-top, he quickly checked for the latest football scores on his Blackberry.
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| Every decent family man gets his 'recreation' lap-top blessed before use |
"Good stuff. Chelsea up one. I've got too much riding on that game"
David began to scribble down numbers on the luxury leather writing pad he kept next to his 'recreation' lap-top....
"Now lets check the odds for tomorrow. 3.15 at Cheltenham, some good form, 2pm at Newmarket. Then there's the Romford dogs in the evening. Oh bugger this, I can't wait that long, what's the time in Melbourne now? I could place a quick harmless 5K on a race down under couldn't I?"
As the lap-top booted up, David impatiently tapped his fingers on the desk:
"Come on, come on you little prick"
"David, are you alright in there?"
"Fine Sam......absolutely fine... just stubbed my toe"
As he logged onto his betting account, the thrill of gambling took over:
"Ah here we are. Oh bollocks! Looks like I lost on that baseball game yesterday. Oh well carpe diem, let's see whats on offer today. Hurry up, hurry up, yes yes, confirm bank account details. Right, the Australian horses. Here we are, which filly shall I have? "One Trick Pony", 5 to 1. Don't like those odds much, something a little more risky - what about "Dogmatic Ideologue", yes that sounds good, George would love it! And its 100 to 1, much better. OK, confirm, confirm, come on they'll be racing in 2 minutes.....yes, yes fuck the terms and conditions, place, place! Ah, and yes! The bet is placed! Oh the RUSH, the RUSH!"
As Samantha came to fetch David for the daily 'moral values' talk they had with the children over dinner, she overheard her husband's shouting.
"David, what's all the noise for? The children can hear you - do be quiet and come and join us please "
David had a quick peruse of the latest tips on a betting blog, and called over his shoulder:
"Come on Sam, we agreed remember- Man-Den time. I'll be out in 10"
"I know we agreed Man-Den time David, but I didn't realise it now took priority over dinner time. What the hell are you doing in there? Why is it always the first place you head to when you get home? And why do you always end up swearing uncontrollably or whooping in bouts of mass hysteria whilst you're in there?"
David jotted down a few of the tips on his pad and replied:
"Look Sam, you wouldn't understand, its a man thing"
At this Sam began to lose her temper and started turning the door handle furiously.
"David, you know I fully support your Man-Den time, but if you don't come out this minute I'll get the policeman on the step to break the door down!"
David quickly shut down the betting pages and opened his cover, a live web-cam of a communal allotment society in Brighton. He unlocked the door, and taking Samantha by the hand, led her over to the 'recreation' lap-top. She looked at the screen to see a small group of people chatting amiably whilst attending to a vegetable patch .
"See Sam. Is it so bad for me to take an interest in green issues and the Brighton scene?"
"It is if those fucking drips are more important to you then spending time with your family. And that doesn't explain the whooping and shouting"
"Oh it does Sam. I feel so passionate when the vegetables grow, or sadly perish"
Samantha looked at her husband with mild suspicion, but then conscious of the time....
"OK, well I'm glad you get so much out of the Man-Den, but it really is time for dinner now"
"Thats my girl! Now come on, lets go and give our little tinkers some moral and nutritional sustenance, and hear what they got up to at school today. I bet it will all be jolly good, and everything will all be fine. I really bet it will......."
Join us in Episode 2 when Georgie Porgie, Boris and Andy come over for....
"The Big Lad's Night In"!
