Once upon a time, in the land of freedom and opportunity, there lived a sweet, rich old man........
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| Just a sweet rich old man |
This guy was a romantic, and had bought a big mock Tudor style mansion to live in......
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Anne Boleyn is said to haunt the
corridors of the Playboy Mansion |
..and over the years had added extra wonders to this fairy-tale sex park including an infamous grotto....
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The Grotto: where sex-and bacterial disease
-is said to possibly occur. |
.... where beautiful young princesses could frolic gaily with rich young (and old) men.....
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| Like a water park, but with sex |
Let's join Hugh now as Jane, one of the Playboy Mansion staff, brings him his usual breakfast in bed.........
"Morning Jane. Just put the tray down there, thank you. Mind the teeth"
As Hugh, the world's number 1 Playboy and octogenarian pervert tucks into his English muffins, there is a loud banging on the bedroom door and Jane, conscious that Hugh is a bit deaf these days, says loudly:
"Mr Hefner, somebody is knocking at the door"
"Really? That'll be Dolly. We had a row last night so she slept in the billiard room. Let her in Jane"
As Jane opens the door Dolly Medicine, a pretty-yet-dead-behind-the-eyes platinum blonde peeps into the room sheepishly...
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| Dolly Medicine likes to dress up as her hero Bo Peep |
"Can I come in Daddy?" asks Dolly nervously.
Jane flinches at this and quickly exits the room, desperate not to hear anymore, and Dolly coyly makes her way across the room to Hef's extra large king size Playboy bed, which is littered with newspapers, dog biscuits and pieces of blonde hair extensions. After replacing his teeth, Hef says authoritatively:
"Yes you can come in Dolly. But you were very naughty last night so you're not allowed to play with Daddy this morning"
If Dolly had a sense of irony she would have laughed inwardly that no young woman in their right mind would play with Daddy, beside Daddy can't get it up without a load of viagra....but Dolly doesn't know about irony, so instead......
"I know Daddy. But Dolly was very hurt and upset by what you told her"
"Yes well Dolly. Daddy has to be honest with you. And strict. Very strict"
At this Dolly gasped and said desperately:
"So you meant it? I'm no longer your girlfriend number one? And I have 4 months to set up my own reality TV show and then I'm out of here?"
"Yes Dolly. These things have a life-span. Girlfriend number three Karen has gone, and I think its about time you and Brenda did the same. Its not entirely healthy for your mental well-being is it, this set up"
Dolly flinched at this reference to her depression and anxiety but said in a show of defiance:
"There is nothing wrong with me Daddy, no Sir. I am a success in my own right and I just love living in LA....it's just.....I know we'd make great babies together, if only you'd just come with me to see the gynaecologist..."
"No Dolly. We've discussed this a million times before. No babies, no marriage, no big pink and white dress!"
"OK, OK Daddy, no need to be cruel (holding back tears). Well I guess I'll have to tell Brenda she needs to start making her exit strategy as well. Poor Brenda, she'll be so upset, its been her dream to be a Playmate since the day she got here, in 1998. This will kill her"
"Yes well Brenda will have to deal with that. She must have enough money by now to see a decent shrink"
Dolly looked shocked and said:
"Gosh Daddy, you can be so cold!"
Hef ignored Dolly, and switched on the mammoth TV screens attached to the bedroom wall, which he has to make him feel like a powerful comic book newspaper tycoon or something.....
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| Hef's lair. Like The Bat Cave. |
"There is no point dragging these things out Dolly. I should know. Now, you can clear out your clothes from the dressing room when I meet with the editors. Get the staff to prepare one of the Playmate bedrooms for you to stay in"
On hearing these words Dolly could no longer hold back her tears and cried:
"What Heffy? You mean I can't even stay with you in our bedroom anymore?"
Hugh deftly removed a pink bunny shaped cuddly toy from under his boney left buttock-cheek, and handing it to Dolly said:
"It's not our bedroom Dolly, it's mine. And this is my house, and that is my pink bunny, and those clothes you have strewn all over the floor also belong to me. However, just to show you that I'm not a miser and I do care, you can keep the clothes and the bunny as a gift from me and move into one of the Playmate bedrooms for the rest of your stay, if you so wish.
Dolly, unable to control herself anymore, ran from the bedroom crying a fucked up adult-baby.
Hef said outloud:
"Phew, thank christ I didn't tell her about the new girls moving in today. Thats really gonna send her gaga!"
Will Dolly Medicine go gaga? Will Brenda Blessed go gaga? Is Hugh going gaga? And what about Lady Gaga?
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| Is Lady Gaga as gaga as Holly? |
Join us in Part II to find out!
